This is something that's been in my head and on my heart for a while. It's going to be unpopular with Christians. Just a heads-up. You can choose to stop reading now, but please don't judge me without reading the entire post.
A little background information:
I was born into a strong Catholic family, and my family went to church every Sunday. They still do, for that matter. I was raised on Christian beliefs, one of them being that I should wait until marriage before having sex. This was encouraged at my Catholic junior high and high schools as well. To be sure, there are many benefits to waiting until marriage. I'm not going to list them because I'm sure you already know.
I had the distinction of being born before my parents were married, so I also grew up with the knowledge that while sex outside of marriage was a sin, it was not a sin that would get me cast out of my family. My grandparents were upset to find that my parents were pregnant with me, but they demonstrated true Christian love in choosing not to turn their backs on their children. I knew that I would receive the same treatment should I ever end up in the same situation.
Good thing too, because my firstborn Noah was 8 1/2 months old when his father and I walked down the aisle. But I'm getting ahead of myself.
My husband Derek was not my first sexual partner. He knows this, as we discussed such things early in our relationship. I won't go into excessive detail, but there were a few before he came along. He asked me to add that I wasn't his first, either.
After I had sex for the first time at the age of 18, I found it all-too-easy to go down the same road with the next guy I dated, and thus started a vicious cycle.
I was lonely, and I tried to combat that in a very unhealthy way. I was sexually active, and I felt very guilty for committing that sin. But that guilt led me to distance myself from my faith, and from the people who loved me and treated me well.
To clarify: I was never in an abusive relationship. I was just in a string of unhealthy ones. Much of this was my own fault.
It took me a long time before I became strong enough in myself to be comfortable being alone, and to not settle for a relationship that did not meet my emotional needs. I did not meet my husband until after I reached this point. I don't think we would still be together if I hadn't.
I really think society and Christianity have it all wrong in what they teach and demonstrate about sex. This idea that sex outside of marriage is bad and a sin has led to sex in general being treated as bad, or taboo, or naughty. So instead of understanding our own needs and seeking to have them met in a healthy way, if we happen to fall short of the ideal (which unfortunately many of us, Christian or no, do) we simply continue down that road with no idea of how to change.
This idea that sex is bad or naughty has led to a few skewed perceptions on the human body. It's tragic if you really look at it. The human body is something to be hidden away to keep from inciting bad feelings. We aren't allowed to view a person's body as beautiful without seeing it as sexual as well. There's no real reason that we shouldn't be able to view a woman's breasts in the same way that we view a man's chest; as something nice to look at, but not necessarily something sexual or titillating.
This, in turn, has led to the appalling view that one of the essential and beautiful things in the world is wrong and should not be done in public. The essential function of breasts is to feed babies. They serve no other useful purpose. (Believe me. I have them. They're often more trouble than they're worth.) A woman feeding her child in public should be honoured as a beautiful life-giving bonding experience. There is nothing in the process that involves sex in any way.
The human form has become something that it is only allowable to discuss in a sexual fashion. The idea that it is beautiful in and of itself, like a flower or a sunrise or a bird in flight has become a foreign concept, because our attitudes about sex have come to be reflected on our bodies.
Sex is good. Sex is fun. Sex is necessary to continue the species. That's why God made it good and fun. But I think it's time we stopped our focus on it as a sin.
Yup. There's the controversy.
I think if we spoke more openly about sex to our children we would have less of an epidemic of promiscuity in the world. It sounds backwards, but it really isn't.
If you grow up not being allowed to drink alcohol, you sneak out and do it behind your parents' back. You may end up drinking with people who could take advantage of you (in any number of ways). You may drink and drive. You may drink too much and pass out with alcohol poisoning surrounded by people who don't know the signs that you are in a life-threatening situation.
But if (like I did) you have parents who buy your alcohol for you and allow you to invite friends (with their parent's permission) over for a drinking party, you can learn how to drink safely with the supervision of people who care about you and won't allow the situation to get out of hand.
I'm not suggesting you throw sex parties for your kids. That's ridiculous.
What I am saying is that we need to talk more openly about sex and consent. I think we should teach our sons to respect themselves and their bodies. We should teach our sons and daughters that sex is good and fun, but it is best with someone who unequivocally wants to have sex with you, and who you unequivocally want to have sex with.
I will teach my sons that if a girl is throwing herself at them when she's drunk at a party, the end emotional backlash is not worth the pleasure. Same goes if she's really emotional. My sons will be taught that anything other than a sober, direct "Yes I want to have sex with you" means no.
When two people who really want each other can come together as one, it is a beautiful and rare thing. I wish I'd known that years ago, when I was filling emotional emptiness with sex. It was rarely worth it. A few moments of pleasure were not worth the recriminations and guilt that followed for months afterward. Or the fear that I might be pregnant with a man I hardly know. Or wondering if I'd contracted an STI.
True, all of these things could have been avoided if I'd waited until marriage. But so many people do not wait to have sex. I think we should teach all people to respect others, their bodies and respect their emotions and their needs. Sex should be included in this discussion.
If my kids have a question about sex I want them to come to me, not go to their friends or God forbid, Google it. <shudder>
I think society should focus less on the sinfulness of sex and more on honest, meaningful relationships. I wish people respected themselves enough to not have sex when it's wrong for them, and to enter into sexual relationships with honesty and respect and openness.
I think using the words sex and sin in the same sentence gives people the wrong impression of what sex is, and what it is for. It is beautiful. It is intimate. It is a gift. It, and the human body, should not be treated as something giggled over or leered at like adolescents. We're smarter and more mature than that.
I wish that people in general could see it that way. I hope I can teach my children that having sex is not the problem. It's having sex for the wrong reasons, or with the wrong attitude, or an attitude of disrespect; for yourself, your partner, or the act in general; is the problem.
Love,
-Nan
