Reconciling With Myself

I've summed up the entire journey of self-improvement I embarked upon a year and a half ago:
Self-reconciliation.

I've discovered that it's not really about the weight loss or the depression or the anxiety or the anger.  They're all very important parts, but they're only part of it.  It's really about knowing myself better, and liking myself better. 

The funny thing is that it's not even about liking every aspect of myself.  It's about refusing to beat myself up about the stuff I don't like.  Instead of the negative self-talk that's been a staple of my diet for almost 30 years, I face the things I don't like and choose to change them.  If there's something I don't like about myself , it has no place in my life.  That negativity turns into a black hole and swallows all the good things.  So it's my job to make those black holes as small or nonexistent as possible.

I came to this realisation in a strange and roundabout way.

Bear with me here; it's gonna get a little convoluted.

It all started with the water aerobics.  You see, I am afraid of water.  I had a bad experience when I was 7 years old, and I've been afraid of deep water ever since.  So there's always this edge of fear and panic when I'm in water that's over my head.

When I started water aerobics, I couldn't do the shallow classes because I have problems with my lower back and knees.  I needed low-to-no-impact exercise.  So I was forced to do the deep water class.  This wasn't actually a huge problem for my confidence because you use a floatation belt when in the class.  You can sit quite comfortably in the water and not have to do anything to keep your head above the surface.

So going to these classes twice a week actually built up my confidence in the water by giving me the opportunity to enjoy it without fear.  I had my "safety net" floatation belt the entire time, so I got to let go of the worry that I could drown.  And going twice a week, I got quite good at it.  So I decided to make it harder.  I would go and pick out a belt for myself, and leave it at the edge of the pool, going until I got tired enough to need the belt.  That plan lasted exactly three classes, because by the third time I tried it, I actually went the entire 50-minute class without the belt!

(For the record, I went to the class twice a week for about six months before I tried this, so I was very familiar with the exercises by the time I made the attempt.  It was not a rash or poorly thought out decision on my part.)

So suddenly I could actually "swim" for an entire hour in the deep end without any floatation device, and I was so focused on getting the best out of my workout, that I didn't have time for fear.

So I conquered one of my greatest fears over the last year, without actually meaning to do so.

And I discovered that I actually love the water.  I love being on it, I love being in it.  I love swimming, floating, and just plain treading water.  My entire life I've separated myself from something that was always meant to be a part of me because I was afraid.  This was a life-changing revelation for me.

Somewhere inside me was an emotional block made of fear, and it kept me from realising something that is actually a core part of my being.  Water makes me feel calm, at peace, and completely free.  I became a different person when I realised that: calmer and more peaceful and content.

I discovered that I need to dissect my life, and bring all of my fears and faults and mistakes to the surface.  I need to face the things that scare me, cut out the parts of myself that I don't like, and I need to rebuild myself as I should be.  I need to reconcile myself, to myself, and in the process, create the me I should always have been.

So to that end, I've got a few things in the works that I've done, or I'm planning on doing, that scare me.  I went and had boudoir photos done.  (Thanks, Maj!)  In an effort to face my own body issues and learn to love myself, I had to expose myself, with all my flaws and stretch marks.  I haven't seen all the pics yet, but I liked what I saw briefly.  I am beautiful.  And anyone who disagrees can go ahead and do so, because their opinion just doesn't matter.  I'm entering at least one 10k race this year.  I will very likely shave my head bald by summer.  Just because.  And I'm going to try wall climbing.  I hate heights.

So my current state of happiness and contentment with my life really has little to do with the fact that I'm not depressed anymore, and that I've lost almost 25lbs in 16 months.  It actually happened the other way around.  When I began to accept myself and make the effort to change what I didn't like, the weight started to come off, and the depression faded.  I feel like right now, I am the best person I have ever been, and there's still soooo much room for improvement.  So I'm going to keep trying to do better, to be better.

My failures are valuable lessons learned.  My successes are signposts directing me towards a better life.  And my life, right now, is better than I could have imagined even a year ago.  And by God, it's only going to get better.

Love,
      -Nan