Anxiety

Anxiety problems run in my family.  Both of my parents and all three of my sisters have dealt with this problem in one form or another in their lives.

I, personally, have suffered from anxiety pretty much all my life.  I have always slept with the door closed and my back to the wall.  Somewhere deep inside I feel like this will make it harder for someone to sneak up on my while I'm sleeping.  I have suffered night terrors for at least ten years now.  I used to wake myself up by breathing so hard I could hear it in my sleep, or wake others up with my yelling.  I wouldn't remember the dream, but I have woken up so afraid that it took me ten minutes to get the courage to get out of bed and turn the light on.  And then I would read my Bible until I was brave enough to go back to sleep.

I've been to counselling for the night terrors, and now I sometimes remember the dreams.  I have even shouted down a few of them, consciously praying in my sleep at them until I woke up.  Seriously.  I tell them to begone in the name of Jesus Christ until they go away.  And it works.  I don't think it's the words that does it.  It's the conviction behind the words.  I'm not saying it would work for everyone, but it's what I believe, and it works for me. 

The dreams don't always end that way.  Sometimes I still wake up terrified and afraid to leave my bed.  It's those nights that I'm glad my husband sleeps next to me now.  He can wrap his arms around me until I feel safe again.

I mentioned in a previous post that my dog Eva, has helped with my anxiety.  She really, really has.  When my husband works evenings I bring her in the house and I don't feel afraid.  I know that if anyone tried to get in, she would bark so much she'd probably wake the neighbors.  I used to check my locks at least five times a night.  And every time I'd get up to use the washroom at night I would have to re-check the locks, and check on both of the kids to see if they were still breathing.  (Which as often as not woke them up.)  I was doing this at least once or twice a night.

I check the locks and the kids once before I go to bed now.  Just once.  I realized that my anxiety was starting to interfere with my life, and did what I could to change it.  I'm fortunate that it worked.  I don't think I'll ever be able to live without a dog.  Eva does so much for my peace of mind that I can't imagine living here without that feeling of security.

I still worry.  I'm overly cautious when it comes to my kids.  I'm trying to ease up and let them have a little more fun, but it's a work in progress.  It always will be.  I am trying to be the calm, sane person I know is buried there somewhere deep, deep inside of me.  I know I'm less crazy than I used to be.  I think I'll try being less crazy tomorrow than I am today, and see where I end up.

Love,
   -Nan