As I am a stay-at-home mom of two, I have a few things to say to other moms. I am the first to say I'm not the world's best Mom, but I think I'm doing okay. And as I'm doing much better now than I have in the past, I'd like to impart some of the smidgen of wisdom I have accumulated.
Stop beating yourself up. You are human. You make mistakes. You have more to gain by doing better next time than you do by dwelling on past "failures". Nothing that can be learned from should be considered a failure. So understand your mistakes, own up to them, move on, and do better next time.
I have a special needs child. I did not make him that way with bad parenting. God made him that way. I can be a much better parent to him and his brother by refusing to blame myself for an accident of genetics.
Stop comparing yourself to "perfect mom" over there. She's not perfect. She may be better at faking it than you, but she's far from perfect. I'm sure there are many things that you do better than she does. God gave you the children He did for a reason; you were meant to have them. So be proud of your accomplishments. (Even if you think your best accomplishment is the fact that your children are alive at the end of each day. Some days that alone is a Herculean task.)
For the sake of your sanity, get out of the house, without your kids. I suffered from depression for over two years after my first child was born. And never leaving the house without the kids helped bury me in that depression. It didn't help that I didn't realise I was depressed until I started to come out of it. When I started going to water aerobics class twice a week, I felt terribly guilty for leaving the kids with Derek. But I got over it quickly. Derek was great about it, encouraging me to get some time to myself. And he is their father. He should be expected to take them and give me some time off once in a while. After a few weeks of going, I came to relish the time where I wasn't responsible for anyone but me. And I'm much less hesitant to ask for some "me" time now.
Go work out, or take a scrapbooking class, or go out to dinner with some friends. Just get out of the house. Even having someone watch your kids for a couple of hours while you run errands can make a huge difference. And do it at least once a week. The most terrible day can be made much more tolerable if you have something to look forward to. You make a better parent when you are calm and collected. And you can stay much calmer if you take some time to center yourself.
Above all, remember that you have the hardest, most important, most thankless job in the world. And that makes you a superhero.
Love,
-Nan
Saturday, April 2, 2011
Friday, April 1, 2011
More Adventures in Dog Ownership
I mentioned in the last post that she's mellowed out some in the almost two years we've had her. (It'll be two years with us in late July.) That goes double for the last couple of months. We got into a beginners Agility class and after I learned the knack of all-positive reinforcement, she took to it like a fish to water. I had gotten back into some angry ways and she didn't respond well for the first two classes. So Becky let me know it was my fault she was responding badly, not Eva's. (9 times out of 10, it's not the dog's fault.)
So I wasn't allowed to use the word "No" in the training area at all. (Aside here: my "No" is one of the harshest sounding ones you have ever heard. I got into that habit when she used to try to chew on my kids, and I never developed a kinder correction as she got better.) So I had to learn how to be positive. This is not easy for me. I'm not a positive person. I remember in the last class Eva did something she really wasn't allowed to, and I told her no. I immediately appologised to Becky. She turned and told me that particular "No" was okay, because it was something I said to Eva, not something I yelled at her. I guess I had learned.
Eva has turned out to be an amazing workout buddy. No matter how fast I walk or jog, she's always looking back at me and bouncing a couple of times, like she's saying, "Can we go faster now? How 'bout now?" I don't think I ever need to worry about not pushing myself to go faster when we go jogging, 'cause it doesn't matter how fast I get, she'll always want me to go faster. That girl could run all day and have energy to spare!
I can get her to calm down pretty fast now when she decides to bark. She's friendly but not pushy with the kids. Having the "dog I didn't want" is turning out to be exactly what I need. I'm looking to see how much fun we can have now that we have developed a good working relationship. Sometimes you have to work to get a good family dog, but the work is immensely worth it.
I love my Eva!
-Nan
Friday, March 25, 2011
What's New
Sorry I've been away so long. I went through a brief bout with depression followed by a manic, obsessive bout with my new video game. I swear every game Bioware releases just eats me alive!
I figured I should make this post to just update what's going on in my life.
Noah's doing really well right now. Lots of good eye contact. He's talking all the time, even though I don't understand half of what he's saying. He seems to enjoy the time he gets to join the kindergarten class. That should also help him to transition into that class next year. He's become very good at communicating his needs, and we're in the process of applying for specialised services to help him with his life skills.
Sean has started spending 1 day a week over at his aunt's house. (Thanks, Jessica!) He gets to hang out with a cousin about six months older than him, and I get a bit of a break. He's been talking a great deal more since then, and is getting much better at communicating his needs as well.
Eva is doing well. She seems to be calming down a lot lately. She doesn't bark as much, and she actually sits when she wants attention. I need to get her into another class soon, so we can keep this good momentum going. I haven't been able to take her for many walks because it won't stop snowing, but I try to take her to my parents' acreage once a week so she can run.
I have lost 15 lbs. That's half a pound short of the halfway point of my mid-July weight loss goal, so I'm still on pace to lose 31 lbs before my 30th birthday. I've been jogging on my mini-trampoline when the weather is nasty. (Which it has been almost steadily since January.) My energy levels are up and I'm really starting to notice the difference in my body.
I'm working on re-affirming my relationship with God. I haven't been to church in way too long. I have a host of excuses but I really need to get my butt in gear and just go back. I've started reading a couple of Christian books, and listening to some Christian music. It's been helping me to feel better about myself.
I priced out a new kitchen. It will be bottom-of-the line, but a vast improvement on the home-made, ill-fitting cabinets we have in our 30-year-old trailer. And it will be pretty inexpensive, to boot!
So lots of stuff on the go. Things seem to be on the upswing in my life. I'll try to keep up with the posting more often.
Love,
Nan
I figured I should make this post to just update what's going on in my life.
Noah's doing really well right now. Lots of good eye contact. He's talking all the time, even though I don't understand half of what he's saying. He seems to enjoy the time he gets to join the kindergarten class. That should also help him to transition into that class next year. He's become very good at communicating his needs, and we're in the process of applying for specialised services to help him with his life skills.
Sean has started spending 1 day a week over at his aunt's house. (Thanks, Jessica!) He gets to hang out with a cousin about six months older than him, and I get a bit of a break. He's been talking a great deal more since then, and is getting much better at communicating his needs as well.
Eva is doing well. She seems to be calming down a lot lately. She doesn't bark as much, and she actually sits when she wants attention. I need to get her into another class soon, so we can keep this good momentum going. I haven't been able to take her for many walks because it won't stop snowing, but I try to take her to my parents' acreage once a week so she can run.
I have lost 15 lbs. That's half a pound short of the halfway point of my mid-July weight loss goal, so I'm still on pace to lose 31 lbs before my 30th birthday. I've been jogging on my mini-trampoline when the weather is nasty. (Which it has been almost steadily since January.) My energy levels are up and I'm really starting to notice the difference in my body.
I'm working on re-affirming my relationship with God. I haven't been to church in way too long. I have a host of excuses but I really need to get my butt in gear and just go back. I've started reading a couple of Christian books, and listening to some Christian music. It's been helping me to feel better about myself.
I priced out a new kitchen. It will be bottom-of-the line, but a vast improvement on the home-made, ill-fitting cabinets we have in our 30-year-old trailer. And it will be pretty inexpensive, to boot!
So lots of stuff on the go. Things seem to be on the upswing in my life. I'll try to keep up with the posting more often.
Love,
Nan
Monday, March 7, 2011
Night Terrors
I believe I may have mentioned this in a previous post but it happened again last night, so I'm going to go into greater depth here.
Last night I felt very anxious as I went to bed. I've been feeling depressed over the last couple of weeks and I drastically overreacted to something that Eva did late last night and felt absolutely terrible about it. (I did not hurt her at all, but I may have scared her. I was trying to get her to take a submissive posture and ended up forcing it. Sooooo not helpful in our trust relationship. If you don't remember, Eva is my dog.)
So I felt very bad about myself when I went to bed, and I think that may be the source of the dream I had last night.
I remember I was in the water with three other people and I knew that there was something else in the water with us. Not human but not animal. It was humanoid, thin, and short, and had some sort of wings, and I could see it as a sort of shadow. I had the impression that the only reason I could see it was that it was in the water. The other three people couldn't see it so I was telling them where it is. As I continued shouting out directions, I started losing my ability to talk. My words came out garbled or not at all.
And the next thing I knew it was attached to my lower back. I had the feeling that it was somehow invading my body. So I told it to get out of my body, in the Name of Jesus Christ. The words came out clear the first time, and when I tried to repeat them, they came out garbled again. And then I woke up.
And the first sensation I had upon waking was that of it leaving through my lower back. Like my dream was a manifestation of something that was actually happening. I don't know if that was the last vestiges of the dream hanging on into my waking state, or something else. But I was terrified. It took me about ten minutes to get the courage to get up and go to the bathroom. 'Cause I really had to go.
So today I feel like I didn't get any sleep at all. My brain is functioning at half capacity. And I've come to the realisation that since adolescence I have always woken up from really bad dreams with the sensation of something touching my lower back. And if I tried to move it sent the most disgusting nervy sensation up and down my spine. I wonder if that has any significance.
So if any of you out there know of any spirit healers (Christian or otherwise) who could shed some light on this sort of thing, I'd love to hear it. Because I would like it to stop. Forever. And I'm thinking I might need some help with that.
Love,
-Nan
Last night I felt very anxious as I went to bed. I've been feeling depressed over the last couple of weeks and I drastically overreacted to something that Eva did late last night and felt absolutely terrible about it. (I did not hurt her at all, but I may have scared her. I was trying to get her to take a submissive posture and ended up forcing it. Sooooo not helpful in our trust relationship. If you don't remember, Eva is my dog.)
So I felt very bad about myself when I went to bed, and I think that may be the source of the dream I had last night.
I remember I was in the water with three other people and I knew that there was something else in the water with us. Not human but not animal. It was humanoid, thin, and short, and had some sort of wings, and I could see it as a sort of shadow. I had the impression that the only reason I could see it was that it was in the water. The other three people couldn't see it so I was telling them where it is. As I continued shouting out directions, I started losing my ability to talk. My words came out garbled or not at all.
And the next thing I knew it was attached to my lower back. I had the feeling that it was somehow invading my body. So I told it to get out of my body, in the Name of Jesus Christ. The words came out clear the first time, and when I tried to repeat them, they came out garbled again. And then I woke up.
And the first sensation I had upon waking was that of it leaving through my lower back. Like my dream was a manifestation of something that was actually happening. I don't know if that was the last vestiges of the dream hanging on into my waking state, or something else. But I was terrified. It took me about ten minutes to get the courage to get up and go to the bathroom. 'Cause I really had to go.
So today I feel like I didn't get any sleep at all. My brain is functioning at half capacity. And I've come to the realisation that since adolescence I have always woken up from really bad dreams with the sensation of something touching my lower back. And if I tried to move it sent the most disgusting nervy sensation up and down my spine. I wonder if that has any significance.
So if any of you out there know of any spirit healers (Christian or otherwise) who could shed some light on this sort of thing, I'd love to hear it. Because I would like it to stop. Forever. And I'm thinking I might need some help with that.
Love,
-Nan
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Winter
I am so ready for winter to be over. Normally, I like to stay inside. My family has been calling me a vampire for twenty years or so because of my tendency to hide in the basement and read books.
But this year something seems to have changed. I want to take my kids outside. I want to get some fresh air and sunshine and maybe even (gasp) a tan.
I am tired of having to let my car warm up. I am tired of toques and gloves and winter boots and jackets and wind chill warnings and I am tired of snow!!
I am Canadian, so I should be used to this stuff by now. I've had thirty years to adjust. But this year I've just had enough. This winter crap is ruining my workout momentum. And this particular winter seems to be a little bipolar. Either it's -30 celsius, or it's +5 and melting. Damn uncooperative Canadian winter. So the kids can't enjoy the snow because it's either too cold or too wet.
I remember loving winter. I like skating. I love cross-country skiing. I love the lack of bugs. And sweat. And excessive sunshine. I love that first breath you take when it's reeeeealy cold and it freezes your lungs and makes you cough reflexively. Truly. I love that feeling. That is the feeling of being Canadian. (Well, that and Tim Horton's coffee.)
But enough is enough. Mother Nature, God, whoever controls this stuff, I am hereby giving notice that I will no longer tolerate this! Unless you want me to be grumpy(er) for the rest of my life, bring on the spring already!
Love,
Nan
But this year something seems to have changed. I want to take my kids outside. I want to get some fresh air and sunshine and maybe even (gasp) a tan.
I am tired of having to let my car warm up. I am tired of toques and gloves and winter boots and jackets and wind chill warnings and I am tired of snow!!
I am Canadian, so I should be used to this stuff by now. I've had thirty years to adjust. But this year I've just had enough. This winter crap is ruining my workout momentum. And this particular winter seems to be a little bipolar. Either it's -30 celsius, or it's +5 and melting. Damn uncooperative Canadian winter. So the kids can't enjoy the snow because it's either too cold or too wet.
I remember loving winter. I like skating. I love cross-country skiing. I love the lack of bugs. And sweat. And excessive sunshine. I love that first breath you take when it's reeeeealy cold and it freezes your lungs and makes you cough reflexively. Truly. I love that feeling. That is the feeling of being Canadian. (Well, that and Tim Horton's coffee.)
But enough is enough. Mother Nature, God, whoever controls this stuff, I am hereby giving notice that I will no longer tolerate this! Unless you want me to be grumpy(er) for the rest of my life, bring on the spring already!
Love,
Nan
Monday, February 14, 2011
Romance
First of all, I hate Valentine's day. It's a personal choice. That being said, I'm not going to berate you further on the subject.
My husband has never been particularly romantic. Stable, supportive, loving, yes. Romantic, no.
So I seek romance in the most readily available place: crappy romance novels. There. I admit it. I'm addicted to the stupid things. I pick them up at grocery stores. I take them out of the library. I borrow them from my sisters.
The truly sad thing is that most of them are so terrible I can't even finish them. I am a literary critic at heart and I hate those moments that are so ridiculous that they just throw you right back out of the story.
The word "virile", or "brawny" for instance. Any time a woman thinks of a man using either of those terms, I stop and say to myself no one uses words like that. Especially virginal young ladies.
So why would I choose to subject myself to that? It's easy. I know that romance is not a real, long-term part of love. So I let my husband off the hook (most of the time) and seek my happy-butterfly-romance fix between the pages of a paperback novel. I get all the romance I need, and my husband gets to be his loving-but-not-so-romantic self.
And for every ten terrible novels out there, there's one that makes me laugh and cry and just be someone else for a few hours, and it's all worth it. Maybe some day I will write my own romance novels. Perhaps I shall name the first, "Virile". With the quotations. Do you think anyone would get the joke? And if I hate my own writing as much as some of the books I've tried to read, I'll just burn the book rather than subjecting poor unsuspecting readers to it.
So, now you can all be jealous of all the romance and drama in my life. Or just go out and get yours in the same place. No husband or boyfriend required!
Love,
-Nan
My husband has never been particularly romantic. Stable, supportive, loving, yes. Romantic, no.
So I seek romance in the most readily available place: crappy romance novels. There. I admit it. I'm addicted to the stupid things. I pick them up at grocery stores. I take them out of the library. I borrow them from my sisters.
The truly sad thing is that most of them are so terrible I can't even finish them. I am a literary critic at heart and I hate those moments that are so ridiculous that they just throw you right back out of the story.
The word "virile", or "brawny" for instance. Any time a woman thinks of a man using either of those terms, I stop and say to myself no one uses words like that. Especially virginal young ladies.
So why would I choose to subject myself to that? It's easy. I know that romance is not a real, long-term part of love. So I let my husband off the hook (most of the time) and seek my happy-butterfly-romance fix between the pages of a paperback novel. I get all the romance I need, and my husband gets to be his loving-but-not-so-romantic self.
And for every ten terrible novels out there, there's one that makes me laugh and cry and just be someone else for a few hours, and it's all worth it. Maybe some day I will write my own romance novels. Perhaps I shall name the first, "Virile". With the quotations. Do you think anyone would get the joke? And if I hate my own writing as much as some of the books I've tried to read, I'll just burn the book rather than subjecting poor unsuspecting readers to it.
So, now you can all be jealous of all the romance and drama in my life. Or just go out and get yours in the same place. No husband or boyfriend required!
Love,
-Nan
Monday, February 7, 2011
Weight Loss
I have tried losing weight a number of times. The last couple of times I've tried I threw my back out. Badly. So I lost heart and gave up.
My family had some gorgeous pictures done at the beginning of this year. I looked at all the pictures and this is what I saw: my three sisters, who have been working hard and getting into shape and they all look amazing. (Especially the one who has lost 60 lbs in the last year. Good on her!) And me. I weighed more on the first of January than I did on the last day I was pregnant with my first child. Don't get me wrong. I love those pictures. I will proudly show my grandkids those pictures one day. But they were a wake-up call. I need to get healthy.
I had been overweight before. I lost 30 lbs about 7 years ago. But I gained some with my first pregnancy And then leading up to my wedding. And then again after my second pregnancy. It wasn't until last year that I realized that I had been depressed for about three years and that has contributed to my weight gain. (I will discuss the depression in a later post.)
So here I was, 60 lbs heavier than when I graduated 10 years ago. 40 lbs heavier than when I met my husband. And I decided to change.
A call from a friend really helped. I had been considering going to water aerobics, but had never got up the courage and the energy to go. And then Becky called, and asked me if I wanted to start taking water aerobics twice a week. I jumped at the chance. I had an accountability buddy, and someone to help me take on a daunting new experience. The workout was alot more difficult than I imagined it would be. And I loved it. Water aerobics was the perfect way to strengthen my body without straining my back.
I also made some small changes with my eating. I refuse to deny myself any specific type of food, but any kind of temptation stays out of my house. If I want to treat myself, I have to go get it. I drink at least a litre of water a day, and a large glass of milk. I eat breakfast every day. I don't snack when I'm bored. And I don't eat after 7pm. If I get hungry late I drink a glass of milk. A lot of changes, but nothing drastic.
So I am eating better, and doing water aerobics twice a week, and going for a brisk walk once a week. And I have lost 8 lbs since January 1st. So far so good! I am planning on losing 31 lbs by July. Wish me luck!
Love,
-Nan
My family had some gorgeous pictures done at the beginning of this year. I looked at all the pictures and this is what I saw: my three sisters, who have been working hard and getting into shape and they all look amazing. (Especially the one who has lost 60 lbs in the last year. Good on her!) And me. I weighed more on the first of January than I did on the last day I was pregnant with my first child. Don't get me wrong. I love those pictures. I will proudly show my grandkids those pictures one day. But they were a wake-up call. I need to get healthy.
I had been overweight before. I lost 30 lbs about 7 years ago. But I gained some with my first pregnancy And then leading up to my wedding. And then again after my second pregnancy. It wasn't until last year that I realized that I had been depressed for about three years and that has contributed to my weight gain. (I will discuss the depression in a later post.)
So here I was, 60 lbs heavier than when I graduated 10 years ago. 40 lbs heavier than when I met my husband. And I decided to change.
A call from a friend really helped. I had been considering going to water aerobics, but had never got up the courage and the energy to go. And then Becky called, and asked me if I wanted to start taking water aerobics twice a week. I jumped at the chance. I had an accountability buddy, and someone to help me take on a daunting new experience. The workout was alot more difficult than I imagined it would be. And I loved it. Water aerobics was the perfect way to strengthen my body without straining my back.
I also made some small changes with my eating. I refuse to deny myself any specific type of food, but any kind of temptation stays out of my house. If I want to treat myself, I have to go get it. I drink at least a litre of water a day, and a large glass of milk. I eat breakfast every day. I don't snack when I'm bored. And I don't eat after 7pm. If I get hungry late I drink a glass of milk. A lot of changes, but nothing drastic.
So I am eating better, and doing water aerobics twice a week, and going for a brisk walk once a week. And I have lost 8 lbs since January 1st. So far so good! I am planning on losing 31 lbs by July. Wish me luck!
Love,
-Nan
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Autism
Ah, that word. It means so many things to so many different people. For some, it seems like some sort of insidious disease that could creep up and steal your child. For some that becomes a reality. It is used as evidence that vaccinating your child is dangerous. (I personally believe that it is far more dangerous to not vaccinate.) For some it is an integral part of someone that they love, though there are certain parts they would leave out if they could.
Every person with autism is very, very different from every other person with autism. You can't tell someone is autistic just by looking at them. There is nothing about a person's outward appearance that says "that person is autistic". Autism is a spectrum disorder. That means that there are a very wide variety of people that fall under the spectrum. From very high functioning, to those who can barely speak and have little to no basic living skills. From someone who needs constant care and supervision even as an adult, to someone who can live on their own, but is a little strange. (If you want to know what I mean, Sheldon on Big Bang Theory is an almost textbook example of a person with Aspbergers, also known as high functioning autism. Wall-e, from the movie of the same name, seems very autistic as well.)
My four year old son, Noah, has autism. It's difficult to explain to people who don't know him. He is perfectly capable of sitting and playing quietly like any other kid. He will even play next to another kid his age, though rarely with them. He doesn't play pretend. His social skills are abnormal, and he often does not understand even the most basic social niceties. He can have extreme reactions to the smallest thing, and often I can't tell what has set him off. He doesn't speak normally, instead using entire phrases from books or movies, and often he uses those phrases in the wrong situations, or just sits repeating them over and over to himself. (For example, one of his favourite things to say is "I am Syndrome!" from The Incredibles. It's pretty cute when he does it though. I love my little supervillian-in-training!) Often if you ask him a question he will repeat it back to you instead of giving a response. He can be obsessive about things, like Thomas the train. And puzzles.
Not everything about autism is terrible or frustrating. My son has the most adorable quirks. I am not one of those parents who feels like autism stole their child, because Noah's onset of autism was gradual, just after he turned one year old. I've had alot of time to adjust. He is who he is, and the autism is just a part of that. I have to help him to cope in a world that wasn't designed for him, but that's just part of any parent's life. I love him just as he is. (Though there are times that I don't like him very much. Such is love.) We're currently pursuing various things to help catch him up before he starts school. We haven't tried anything radical yet, but he seems to be coping nicely, so no radical stuff in the works, either. He doesn't self-injure. (Thank God!) His main negative response is screaming. And I've found a few ways to interrupt or distract that particular negative behavior. (If you ever see us in church, right behind the choir, I let him run around a bit because if I didn't, he would scream. I figure it's the less distracting behaviour.)
October is autism awareness month in Canada. Every day is autism awareness day in my life. It's strange how the Lord gives you the strength to deal with the challenges you didn't see coming. I didn't ask for this. Autism was never a part of the dreams I held for my little boy. But it's here, and it's a part of who he is, and it's not going anywhere. So I deal with it. And with all the medical tests, and the treatments, and the paperwork, and the stress, and those days when I just want to yank out all my hair and scream, one truth remains. I love my son. All of him, even the parts I don't like.
Love,
-Nan
P.S. I will write on autism periodically, but I think I will write from a personal point of view. I am not qualified to give advice on the topic. But if you know someone who is autistic, or simply different in any way, feel free to comment, and we can swap stories.
Every person with autism is very, very different from every other person with autism. You can't tell someone is autistic just by looking at them. There is nothing about a person's outward appearance that says "that person is autistic". Autism is a spectrum disorder. That means that there are a very wide variety of people that fall under the spectrum. From very high functioning, to those who can barely speak and have little to no basic living skills. From someone who needs constant care and supervision even as an adult, to someone who can live on their own, but is a little strange. (If you want to know what I mean, Sheldon on Big Bang Theory is an almost textbook example of a person with Aspbergers, also known as high functioning autism. Wall-e, from the movie of the same name, seems very autistic as well.)
My four year old son, Noah, has autism. It's difficult to explain to people who don't know him. He is perfectly capable of sitting and playing quietly like any other kid. He will even play next to another kid his age, though rarely with them. He doesn't play pretend. His social skills are abnormal, and he often does not understand even the most basic social niceties. He can have extreme reactions to the smallest thing, and often I can't tell what has set him off. He doesn't speak normally, instead using entire phrases from books or movies, and often he uses those phrases in the wrong situations, or just sits repeating them over and over to himself. (For example, one of his favourite things to say is "I am Syndrome!" from The Incredibles. It's pretty cute when he does it though. I love my little supervillian-in-training!) Often if you ask him a question he will repeat it back to you instead of giving a response. He can be obsessive about things, like Thomas the train. And puzzles.
Not everything about autism is terrible or frustrating. My son has the most adorable quirks. I am not one of those parents who feels like autism stole their child, because Noah's onset of autism was gradual, just after he turned one year old. I've had alot of time to adjust. He is who he is, and the autism is just a part of that. I have to help him to cope in a world that wasn't designed for him, but that's just part of any parent's life. I love him just as he is. (Though there are times that I don't like him very much. Such is love.) We're currently pursuing various things to help catch him up before he starts school. We haven't tried anything radical yet, but he seems to be coping nicely, so no radical stuff in the works, either. He doesn't self-injure. (Thank God!) His main negative response is screaming. And I've found a few ways to interrupt or distract that particular negative behavior. (If you ever see us in church, right behind the choir, I let him run around a bit because if I didn't, he would scream. I figure it's the less distracting behaviour.)
October is autism awareness month in Canada. Every day is autism awareness day in my life. It's strange how the Lord gives you the strength to deal with the challenges you didn't see coming. I didn't ask for this. Autism was never a part of the dreams I held for my little boy. But it's here, and it's a part of who he is, and it's not going anywhere. So I deal with it. And with all the medical tests, and the treatments, and the paperwork, and the stress, and those days when I just want to yank out all my hair and scream, one truth remains. I love my son. All of him, even the parts I don't like.
Love,
-Nan
P.S. I will write on autism periodically, but I think I will write from a personal point of view. I am not qualified to give advice on the topic. But if you know someone who is autistic, or simply different in any way, feel free to comment, and we can swap stories.
Friday, January 28, 2011
Family
I am the oldest of four girls and no boys. There is a five year spread between me and the youngest. We've always fought like cats and dogs (and still do occasionally, even though we're all grown up now) but we are very close. We all get along quite well with our parents as well. My mom and dad will have been married for 30 years this coming August.
If we don't like you, we won't talk to you. It's kind of our family's unspoken motto. If we like you, we tease you mercilessly. That's just the way we operate. But if we decide we don't like you, we just won't go out of our way to carry a conversation. Very rarely will we tell anyone off, but should we find it necessary, watch out.
When three or more of us get together, especially around my parents' hundred-year-old-english-oak table, it takes about half an hour before there are tears of laughter running down our faces. There is a great deal of joy that has survived the hard times, and we've had our fair share of those.
We've always believed in God. We went to church every Sunday. Most of us still do. (To be truthful, I only make it about once a month, but I'm working to improve that.) It was, and still is, natural for us to bring God, Christ, and Christian values into any conversation. That doesn't mean that all we do is sit around and talk about God. Far from it in fact. But it does mean that the mention of God or faith is never met with censure among my family members. It is the most delightfully safe place to believe, and express that belief that I have ever encountered. I am truly blessed to have them.
Anytime I need someone to talk to, about anything, I can call any of them. They always have a kind word, or honest advice, or just a shoulder to cry on. Always.
Every woman in the world should have my sisters to shop with. They always give an honest opinion and will absolutely never allow you to leave the store with something that looks bad on you. You kinda have to have a thick skin about it though. Sometimes you will open the change room door, and they will literally point and laugh. And then proceed to try the same thing on themselves.
My family adopts stray people. From taking in some of my cousins for literally years of their lives, to offering friends of myself and my sisters a place to stay while they're getting their lives in order. We offer a warm welcome to those who need a family. Or a second family, in some cases. There is never so many of us that there isn't room for more.
So there's a quick overall view of my family. I love them all very much, and they're mine. But I could share them if you want. As long as they like you, that is...
Love,
-Nan
If we don't like you, we won't talk to you. It's kind of our family's unspoken motto. If we like you, we tease you mercilessly. That's just the way we operate. But if we decide we don't like you, we just won't go out of our way to carry a conversation. Very rarely will we tell anyone off, but should we find it necessary, watch out.
When three or more of us get together, especially around my parents' hundred-year-old-english-oak table, it takes about half an hour before there are tears of laughter running down our faces. There is a great deal of joy that has survived the hard times, and we've had our fair share of those.
We've always believed in God. We went to church every Sunday. Most of us still do. (To be truthful, I only make it about once a month, but I'm working to improve that.) It was, and still is, natural for us to bring God, Christ, and Christian values into any conversation. That doesn't mean that all we do is sit around and talk about God. Far from it in fact. But it does mean that the mention of God or faith is never met with censure among my family members. It is the most delightfully safe place to believe, and express that belief that I have ever encountered. I am truly blessed to have them.
Anytime I need someone to talk to, about anything, I can call any of them. They always have a kind word, or honest advice, or just a shoulder to cry on. Always.
Every woman in the world should have my sisters to shop with. They always give an honest opinion and will absolutely never allow you to leave the store with something that looks bad on you. You kinda have to have a thick skin about it though. Sometimes you will open the change room door, and they will literally point and laugh. And then proceed to try the same thing on themselves.
My family adopts stray people. From taking in some of my cousins for literally years of their lives, to offering friends of myself and my sisters a place to stay while they're getting their lives in order. We offer a warm welcome to those who need a family. Or a second family, in some cases. There is never so many of us that there isn't room for more.
So there's a quick overall view of my family. I love them all very much, and they're mine. But I could share them if you want. As long as they like you, that is...
Love,
-Nan
Monday, January 24, 2011
Anxiety
Anxiety problems run in my family. Both of my parents and all three of my sisters have dealt with this problem in one form or another in their lives.
I, personally, have suffered from anxiety pretty much all my life. I have always slept with the door closed and my back to the wall. Somewhere deep inside I feel like this will make it harder for someone to sneak up on my while I'm sleeping. I have suffered night terrors for at least ten years now. I used to wake myself up by breathing so hard I could hear it in my sleep, or wake others up with my yelling. I wouldn't remember the dream, but I have woken up so afraid that it took me ten minutes to get the courage to get out of bed and turn the light on. And then I would read my Bible until I was brave enough to go back to sleep.
I've been to counselling for the night terrors, and now I sometimes remember the dreams. I have even shouted down a few of them, consciously praying in my sleep at them until I woke up. Seriously. I tell them to begone in the name of Jesus Christ until they go away. And it works. I don't think it's the words that does it. It's the conviction behind the words. I'm not saying it would work for everyone, but it's what I believe, and it works for me.
The dreams don't always end that way. Sometimes I still wake up terrified and afraid to leave my bed. It's those nights that I'm glad my husband sleeps next to me now. He can wrap his arms around me until I feel safe again.
I mentioned in a previous post that my dog Eva, has helped with my anxiety. She really, really has. When my husband works evenings I bring her in the house and I don't feel afraid. I know that if anyone tried to get in, she would bark so much she'd probably wake the neighbors. I used to check my locks at least five times a night. And every time I'd get up to use the washroom at night I would have to re-check the locks, and check on both of the kids to see if they were still breathing. (Which as often as not woke them up.) I was doing this at least once or twice a night.
I check the locks and the kids once before I go to bed now. Just once. I realized that my anxiety was starting to interfere with my life, and did what I could to change it. I'm fortunate that it worked. I don't think I'll ever be able to live without a dog. Eva does so much for my peace of mind that I can't imagine living here without that feeling of security.
I still worry. I'm overly cautious when it comes to my kids. I'm trying to ease up and let them have a little more fun, but it's a work in progress. It always will be. I am trying to be the calm, sane person I know is buried there somewhere deep, deep inside of me. I know I'm less crazy than I used to be. I think I'll try being less crazy tomorrow than I am today, and see where I end up.
Love,
-Nan
I, personally, have suffered from anxiety pretty much all my life. I have always slept with the door closed and my back to the wall. Somewhere deep inside I feel like this will make it harder for someone to sneak up on my while I'm sleeping. I have suffered night terrors for at least ten years now. I used to wake myself up by breathing so hard I could hear it in my sleep, or wake others up with my yelling. I wouldn't remember the dream, but I have woken up so afraid that it took me ten minutes to get the courage to get out of bed and turn the light on. And then I would read my Bible until I was brave enough to go back to sleep.
I've been to counselling for the night terrors, and now I sometimes remember the dreams. I have even shouted down a few of them, consciously praying in my sleep at them until I woke up. Seriously. I tell them to begone in the name of Jesus Christ until they go away. And it works. I don't think it's the words that does it. It's the conviction behind the words. I'm not saying it would work for everyone, but it's what I believe, and it works for me.
The dreams don't always end that way. Sometimes I still wake up terrified and afraid to leave my bed. It's those nights that I'm glad my husband sleeps next to me now. He can wrap his arms around me until I feel safe again.
I mentioned in a previous post that my dog Eva, has helped with my anxiety. She really, really has. When my husband works evenings I bring her in the house and I don't feel afraid. I know that if anyone tried to get in, she would bark so much she'd probably wake the neighbors. I used to check my locks at least five times a night. And every time I'd get up to use the washroom at night I would have to re-check the locks, and check on both of the kids to see if they were still breathing. (Which as often as not woke them up.) I was doing this at least once or twice a night.
I check the locks and the kids once before I go to bed now. Just once. I realized that my anxiety was starting to interfere with my life, and did what I could to change it. I'm fortunate that it worked. I don't think I'll ever be able to live without a dog. Eva does so much for my peace of mind that I can't imagine living here without that feeling of security.
I still worry. I'm overly cautious when it comes to my kids. I'm trying to ease up and let them have a little more fun, but it's a work in progress. It always will be. I am trying to be the calm, sane person I know is buried there somewhere deep, deep inside of me. I know I'm less crazy than I used to be. I think I'll try being less crazy tomorrow than I am today, and see where I end up.
Love,
-Nan
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